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I finally made it...

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I haven't written on here in over two years...WOW. That's just sad, it has to be said. I guess I have written here and there, but not on here. Maybe it's time to move on from "xanga".. it feels very high school, and I am way past high school...

I feel like it's taken me forever to let the piece of my life fall into place. Like I REALLY have had to do everything the hardest way possible, make life really difficult for myself. I worked super hard in college and have nothing to show for it because I kind of gave up...so now I'm having to struggle and fight and prove that I'm worth hiring, even though I have the diploma. I struggled my way through Dave, then through Jake, and kind of through Dale, making the same mistakes and choosing the same type of guy each time. Putting myself through hell, knowing it was never going to work out but still giving it my whole heart and acting surprised when it broke. I've relied on others and fallen, fallen, fallen...welp, not anymore.

Okay, so I still don't have it figured out, but I'm getting there. I finally made it to California, and it's definitely do-or-die out here. It's crazy expensive and I'm trying to get my shit together so I figure out a way to survive. I can easily come up with the rent but what about..food?! Money for...fun?! Having TIME to have fun?! See, this is why I'm kicking myself in the ass, cause I have a college degree that could make everything easier on me, and somehow I've still screwed that up. Anyway...I finally made it here, I did it and I did it for me. I left all the boy bullshit and sucked it up and did WHAT I WANTED. And ya know what...I'm happy. I'm poor, a bit lonely, and still figuring it out, but I'm happy. Because I made a choice for myself, and I didn't let anyone talk me out of it. I stopped doing what everyone else wanted me to do and just found a way to do what I wanted. Like I said, it's pretty scary, not knowing how I'm going to make it through the next few months, but maybe that's the beauty of it. Surviving and trying to figure out the chaos as I go along. It comes in all shapes and forms...just have to figure out how to look it straight in the eye, grit your teeth, and avoid a panic.

I guess what I've finally learned is that making choices for others is pointless, useless, and will make you unhappy. I stuck around in Omaha/CB for years because of men, because of school, because of jobs, because of my family. I liked Omaha, but so much of what I did, I didn't do for me. And maybe one day I will go back...it is pretty expensive and difficult out here. But at least I'm doing it and I'm trying it and I won't look back and wonder if I made mistakes. I'm making them now so I won't regret anything later. And if I fail, then I fail...but I don't see that happening. It may be hard for this month, but I'm going to keep applying and networking and trying, and hopefully elbow-grease and determination with persevere. And once I get myself set up and on a schedule, then maybe I can start networking a bit and having some fun. Oh, and see the ocean...I am ready to have myself ONE GOOD DAY next to the ocean...


Long story short...don't forget who you are, don't forget what you want. Don't settle, don't apologize. Be strong and realize what you deserve, and what you don't. I wasted YEARS on foolish nonsense and it wasn't worth it...excited to start a whole new chapter, titled "Just Me"...

<3

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